Knowing when to say, “No.”
Knowing when to say, “No” so we don’t miss the opportunities that we really need to say ‘YES’ too.
Is it easy or difficult for you to say, "No?"
Anyone remember Damon Wayan’s Homey D. Clown on “In Living Color”?
Source: Goole Images & pinterest.com
Homey D. Clown made it look easy and even fun to say, "No."
I have had several discussions with different groups and colleagues about healthy boundaries and about how hard it is to say, “No” sometimes. Most of the time. Ok,...perhaps it is not allowed in our vocabulary, ever, because we are professional people pleasers.
There are a lot of good things to jump in and ‘help’ with, particularly when it employs our expertise and flatters our need to be valued. When it affirms our competence and strokes our need to have everything copacetic. Confrontation is no fun and saying, “Yes” helps us conveniently avoid the inner conflict of feeling bad about saying, “No.” besides, saying, “No.” is the guilty cousin of Confrontation and Rejection. Push our ‘responsibility button’ and oh boy! Now it’s really gonna be difficult for us to say, “No” especially when it is for a loved one or a good cause.
During one of my discussions with some friends, one brave pioneer, Julie, taught us that it’s ok to be smart, wise and not co-dependent by simply stating, “I’m think’n.......nnnnNo!” Years later while sharing this revelation with a group of strategic leaders, we got the idea to video record each other practicing saying this phrase in our own unique way. It sounds kind of funny, but it was completely freeing! It was immediately applicable and helpful! What a confidence builder.
Another wise colleague, Dr. Diane, has wisely come to the releasing conclusion that, “Not being responsible, is not the same as being irresponsible.”
Enjoy this fun clip dipicting Not taking responsibility for what you are not responsible for, "That is not my job!"
As leaders and artrepreneurs, we are constantly needing to re-shuffle our priorities and soldier on to accomplish our objectives. One of my favorite quotes is from Sid the Sloth in Ice Age, “Why do I always gotta be the Poop Checker?”
Healthy boundaries help us not be ‘type-cast’ into roles that only we can steward. People will love the way we dance and juggle everything for them...but they don’t like it when we decide to wear a different hat. As leaders we tend to be on the front lines of innately knowing when the ship is needing to be steered into a different direction. Some people don’t handle the re-shuffle well when the music and the tempo changes in the dance.
As a recovering people pleaser, this is hard earned wisdom. My husband and I were shareholders in a family manufacturing plant that had been founded by his grandfather 82 years prior. While my husband was running the company, he had the privilege of serving his family by bringing the corporation from 15 million in sales to 38 million...the most growth the company had ever experienced. When we as a family of shareholders voted to sell it, he and I together, were not daunted by going undercover and having to juggle all of the extra work load during the acquisition. If you’ve ever had to prepare and repair a home to sell it, imagine that multiplied by one hundred. The added strain is that while you are getting your company poised for a top dollar acquisition, you don’t talk about it because you are not supposed to let it leak out to your employees that you are selling. It was a gruesome 3 year process. Once the deal was done and the money in the bank, it still took 3 years to finish dissolving the s-corp. Now he and I had specific objectives to serve the family by leading the company. Once it was sold our job was done. Part of the purchase agreement was that my husband would go on to work for the new owner to implement and integrate the newly acquired assets for the new owner. He had a full time job as part of the package to get them to buy us. This is common practice for mergers and acquisitions. Our thinking was that one of the other family members could take over the minimal duties of dissolution of the former corporation. The family no longer had the luxury of of being less involved in managing their shares in the company. They were now handed, by us, the pooper-scooper of duties. It’s hard to believe that we actually had to give them my husband’s official letter of resignation and recommendations TWICE to convince them that we were no longer employed by them, no longer on the non-existent payroll and no we were not going to conveniently take care of dissolution for them. The music changed and we had to enforce new healthy boundaries.
Here is the Necessary Key to letting the Unnecessary dissipate into the foreground so that the Necessary can have our energy, focus, and competence...(I hate that I am about to quote a country western song, but it fits and at least Kenny Rogers originated his musical roots in Jazz):
“You gotta know when hold ‘em,
Know when to fold ‘em.
Know when to walk away,...
And KNOW when to RUN!”
What Necessary Key do you need to help veer away from a harsh insensitive “no” and embrace a healthy boundary “no?”
Know what to say “yes” too!
While on one hand practical is helpful such as knowing who you are and your Strength Finder Themes, have a well defined job description or project objective, map out your niche client and target market,....however....
Just because something does not come easy, doesn’t mean we can’t overcome and grow beyond our comfortable paradigm.
It’s really healthy to say “yes” to some of the things we dislike or are uncomfortable and unfamiliar with, as well as challenge ourselves to growth beyond the things we are incompetent at and even some of the things that are just plain not our responsibility, because it grows and stretches us.
You know that term, “No Guts. No Glory.”
All of the art mediums I #runandplay in have challenging processes that are great analogies for sticking with it through the tough stuff and enduring through the process towards the worth while substance that results. Finding the silver lining or panning for Gold so to speak. Art is helping beauty Emerge, and sometimes the process or technique is not easy.
I have several incriminating ‘classified’ photos of living sacrifices for beauty’s sake. I won’t reveal them, but you know what you look like when you have your hair wrapped up in foil for highlights! Oh and let’s not forget the 4D look and smell of the 80’s perm rods! As a potter, you should see the mess I make sometimes when when I am throwing clay on the wheel and accidentally get too much muddy water spinning with centrifugal force. No by stander is safe not even my mascot mini huskies! In my studio, to lay out all of the toys and tools of the trade for a project, sometimes the process looks like a chaotic mess that no sane person would want to unscramble let alone be able to see creative monetizing potential in. Why do you think gift wrap and packaging are such a big deal? Presentation! If only you knew what it took to get to the beautiful end result. When I work out hard enough to do any good at burning off the fat & carbs I over indulged in, sweating ain’t pretty, but that two piece next summer will surely get admirers and attention not to mention excite my spouse!
Ya see, I also tend to be really good at staying in my lane so to speak. I only do things that I am really good at, where I know I can shine. I rarely ever do stuff I am not good at. I intentionally have drawn the line with my Brides (for their sakes) that I simply do not do false eyelashes. Can you imagine how jacked up someone’s eye’s could be if I were to attempt telling them a “yes, alright, I’ll do that for you.” when what I really need to warn them is, “Run away! You really don’t want me adhering anything to your eyes with glue do you?”
And regarding me as a potter, it is purposely worked into my designs to “mug” you with no handles! Candidly, one client in good humor pointed out to me while collaborating on a set of dishes for their Wedding Registry, “It sounds like handles are not an option.” To which I responded, “Yeah,..I’m think’n ...NOPE! Not an option.”
However, to my surprise, it was liberating and even fun to put a handle on a mug this week! This is where my typical,”No” sometimes needs to be reworked into a healthy, “Alright, yes, I’ll give it a try. I’ll grow past what is comfortable to yield the benefit of conquering new territory & proficiency.”
Well, now that I am a liberated overcomer who is not afraid to do things that aren’t in my wheel house of sweet spots, ya might be able to talk me into handles,...I’ll just charge ya more for ‘em!
Sure you can make assumptions about the car I drive or the diamonds on my fingers, but please, let’s sit down over coffee and friendship and let me share with you how we made it through being jobless, carless, homeless and pregnant years ago. And let me share my hard earned wisdom with you so you too can truly own your homes and cars and own them while simultaneously living debt free. If I can encourage you to have the bravery to say “no” to some things, you will be free to say “yes” to more strategic & important things. Please hear me by strategically employing the hard times & challenging processes. It will result in Artful Living and Creative Freedom!
